How Can I Appreciate You If You Won't Go Away?

Everyone of you must have had at least one or two experiences where you’ve been out in public and someone approaches you and starts talk with you and you haven’t the faintest clue who they are. So what do you do? Well, if you’re like most people, you smile, nod, and act like they’re one of your closest friends all the while trying to get a name out of them.

That happens to me a lot. Being Deaf, I am approached by many people of whom I haven’t any idea who they are. Could be lack of memory on my part (I would forget my name if it wasn’t written in my underwear), but usually it’s people who are learning sign language and see me using it, so they want to practice with me. It can get pretty scary. Here’s a few scenarios:

1. Person approaches. “Hi! Blah, blah, blah!” I respond, “I’m Deaf.” They run away as quickly as they can.
2. Person approaches: “Hi!” Then they throw their hands up and start making a crude attempt to sign with me. Since they obviously already know I’m Deaf, I attempt to make it look like I can remember them or know them, but their signing looks like a cross between two cats fighting and a seizure victim. I run away as quickly as I can.
3. (This one happens pretty much every time I leave my house with someone and am signing.) A friend and I are signing at the store. A few people spy us signing and then stand there and watch (“It’s such a beautiful language.) This is called eavesdropping, as you may know. Next thing I know the audience approaches and starts showing me the signs they know (ABCs, numbering, NICE TO MEET YOU, “Jesus Loves Me.” –gag gag gag gag). They won’t leave, so I’m trapped trying to look polite, all the while hoping against hope that something will distract them soon and they will have to go away.

So, I’ve been asked what the proper etiquette is if you see someone signing. Do you approach? Do you wave? Do you show them the I LOVE YOU sign? (You have no idea how many people love me as soon as they find out I’m Deaf.)

To me, it’s kind of like being fluent in French and you happen to overhear some people talking in that language. You might wait for a break in the conversation and then venture over there and say, “Hello.” Short and sweet. If you’re FLUENT in American Sign Language, it’s OK to go say Hi and tell them how you started learning sign. You might find you have some of the same friends. But if you don’t know how to sign at least at an advanced level, please pass. Walk by—maybe smile and sign HELLO…and keep walking. It’s nice you appreciate their langauge, but don’t bug the deaf person. That may sound harsh, but there are exceptions to the rule. 

If Not In Name, Then In Deed

I've been teaching sign language for over a decade, but recently decided last month to stop for now. Actually, my thoughts were to give it up all together and retire. I have things in my life happening that just made my doing more than, say, existing, stressful. So, I packed up all my folders and paraphernalia into the back storage room and changed some information on my website and thought that was all I needed to do. 

Some don't know, but at the end, there wasn't a lot of interest in my classes (at that time) and tutoring students were scarce if not non-existent. Of course, the minute I announced my hiatus, I received emails specifically asking about my classes. Figures. Isn't that always the way?

What I found though is, even though I'm not having formal classes or meeting students around the city for tutoring, teaching is still taking place. Every day that I leave my house there is a at least one person who asks me a question about a sign, a class, a greeting, or whatever. Teaching didn't stop for me and I'm secretly happy about that (well, not so secretly now, huh?). Oh, sure there's times when I feel like dressing up like a ninja so no one will approach me. So far I've been lucky and no other ninja has challenged me. But even running to the gas station for my daily dose of sweet tea warrants conversation however brief (thank you, Speedway). Almost everyone there signs THANK YOU to me when I'm there and it's a great feeling. I feel welcomed. And, if anyone requested ASL tutoring at my home I'd welcome them in a second. But for now I'm on a hiatus/potential retirement. 

Doesn't matter that I say that though. If I sign in public, people watch and I know I'm teaching some of them--even if minutely.Teaching ruled! Most of the time.....more about that at another time. 

Which Way Do I Look?

For those of you familiar with or living in the Deaf culture, you must already know the rules of eye contact during communication. The basic rules is to keep close eye contact with the person who is signing to you. One look away can cost you an entire conversation or, even worse, a friend.

It’s one of the rules that many hearing people break—usually unknowingly. However, it does happen when the hearing person knows the rules but doesn’t respect them closely enough. And when I first decided to use interpreters practically on a daily basis, it was very confusing to even me.

I mean, I’m suppose to remain my eye contact towards the person signing to me. That would obviously be my interpreter. At the same time, I felt rude to the person doing the talking. So, who do I look at?

I started going back and forth. When the person talking stopped moving his lips, I would watch the interpreter till she was done and then go back to staring at the talker. Is this so wrong? What exactly do you guys do or what do you experience?

Making Lemons Out of Lemonade

Many days I go about things with a bit of a wall around me. I've been known not to think my feelings as true facts. If I'm angry, I should deal with my anger. And if I'm happy, I should try to spread a little happiness. This might surprise you, but when I have negative emotions--usually due to being Deaf or mentally ill---it's very hard for me to deal with them. That's because borderlines have a hard time admitting they're wrong to feel something or feeling invalidated.

But one day, about 18 years ago, I was driving over to a friends' house. We'd made a time to hang out that day, Well, as I was on my way, I noticed a bunch of little kids selling lemonade. At first, I past by it and didn't pay much attention. But then I thought, I'm in a good mood. I want to do something nice for someone else. So, I made a U turn in my manual car and went back  to their front yard. At that time, I didn't realize I had to put the car in gear and roll my tires so they fall toward a curb. I did none  of that. All I knew was that the kids seemed very happy that I came to give them business.

I was able to communicate my want of lemonade, but within a minute, all the kids started screaming and running away. I looked over at  my car only to see it was headed for us. Not only that, but it was also headed straight to the lemonade stand. and totally demolished it.

Noone was hurt, thankfully, but I don't know if I'll ever do a u-turn for a snack every again.

Deaf Friendly "Family Feud??" Could it Be?

Yesterday evening I was sitting down to catch an hour of TV before I started dinner. My son, Jake, was sitting alone in the living room. He seemed really relaxed, and then every so often he would yell and sign, “Matches!” “A lighter!” I walked further into the room and saw what was happening. He was watching an episode of “Family Feud” and really getting into it. The question had been for them to name ways to start a fire.

The next round up, I joined him at the front as Steve Harvey asked the next question: “We asked 100 men what you would be most likely doing on your day off?” We pushed on our imaginary buzzers, but there was a problem: The captions were slow. So, by the time I yelled out, “Play golf,” Jake had already gotten the number one answer, which was “Work outside in the yard.” A few minutes later it happened again…and again…and again. This show was definitely not deaf-friendly.

During the Fast Money round, I couldn’t keep up. It was fun to try, but not realistic to think about going on the actual show.

Jake turned to me after the show. “Mom,” he said, looking disappointed, “They should have a “Deaf Family Feud” with interpreters and questions written on a screen. (Isn’t he the greatest?)

I agreed with him, of course. All game shows should show equality, don’t you think? Even the older ones should come back on and be deaf-friendly. That’s what Jake and I think, at least.

But if they ever do fix “Family Feud” to be deaf-friendly, they’d have to have a Deaf host. Not necessarily because of signing (though that’s a big part of it), but because Steve Harvey annoys every inch of my being. “We asked 100 men and women what they like about Steve Harvey as a host of “Family Feud.” The answer by a landslide was????? NOTHING!!!!

Judgement is Common...Admit it!

You shouldn't judge people. It's a fact. Judging always ends in no good. But you do, don't you? Come on--admit it! There's gotta be at least one time, one type of person, or one situation where you have judged.

I've talked about "stigma" in earlier posts, but this is different than judging. With stigma, you dislike or avoid people for what they are or whatever condition they are "afflicted" with (mental illness, physical illness, whatever). With "judging" it's based on a behavior or belief of another person.

OK. With that being said......I'm guilty!!!! I admit to guiltiness (that isn't a real word, I don't think). What or whom do I judge, you ask? I have the tendency to judge my kids' school friends (or any friends, for that matter) who don't at least try to communicate with me.

I know deafness can cause nervousness, scary feelings, intimidation, etc., but I'm nice. I'm not scary. I try to chat with them, but they usually end up running for the hills when I do. Many times, the friends will ask someone from my family how to sign this or that. That's effort. I appreciate it. But it's unusual. Most are horrified. It's like that for most hearing people, but I've gotten used to it with strangers. Friends are different. 

Isn't that terrible of me? And when people judge me, I feel more and more isolated. However,  that comes with the broken ears. But, I mean they teach gorillas sign language. That's a start, I guess. Next, I think they should teach them the dance to "Thriller." But I digress.....

I don't know what that word means, but it seemed like a good ending to this blog. 

Have you experienced judgement? Were you the judgie or the judger? Tell me about it; let me know I'm not alone in this. CONFESS!

GUEST COLUMNIST: My Daughter Mollie

SOMETHING DOESN'T QUITE ADD UP.

So, I've been enjoying a nice vacation down in St. Louis, Missouri. We get to come down here about once a year from our humble abode in west Michigan.Its a nice time to see all the grand parents and other crazy family members that we never see otherwise. So, this morning the family and me went to a nice diner to have breakfast with my dad's parents before setting out for north again. (I'm typing this journal on my dad's phone because I was bored... and eager to share this story with you all.)

Anyways! We were seated and served juice and coffee and everything was great, the woman serving us was very amazing. I took to liking her instantly, she was very energetic and friendly and just one of those people who could make you feel like it would be a great day. 

Well, my mom, dad, and me were signing back and forth; discussing the menu and the long car trip awaiting us later in the morning. We could already see heads turning at the sight of our strange language spoken with wordless gestures and our waitress was to be included in the crowd.

She came over, serving up our drinks and giving us our menus for the meal, and after many times of saying ''You're welcome.'' To us several times, she finally asked a question we were used to hearing; '' What is the sign for...'' in this case it was for ''you're welcome''. Smiling at this polite gesture we kindly showed her and nodded with a smile when she repeated it back to us with ease.

''I used to know sign language,'' she spoke, waiting patently for my father to interpret. ''I forgot because I haven't practiced in so long.''

We all nodded in understanding.

She went on, obviously feeling that this needed more explanation. 

What she said next made us all very confused.

''I knew sign language because my niece was blind.''

I stopped breathing for a second, my brain so confused and shocked that I couldn't do anything. I could see my father pause in his signing, also confused, although he recovered much faster.

The most we could do was nod in some kind of understanding and struggle to hold our chuckles in until she was out of earshot.

A blind niece in need of a visual language? Almost as bad as going to the library and being handed a Braille book after being announced deaf (yes, that has happened.)

So while we try to work through this brainwracker, please try to make sure you don't have a blind niece trying to learn sign language, it'll be very difficult and quite useless.

I Tried And I Can’t—Now Just Go Away!….Please!

I’m writing this blog as a sort of lesson to myself. See, I have a hearing husband and he is totally wonderful. He’s always trying to please me. So, in return, he ends up interpreting for me a LOT. Just in the last 5 years I’ve become pretty isolated, so he has to do all the errands and conversations and phone calls. I know it’s not OK. I know I’m taking advantage of him. But it’s not like I don’t pay in back in other ways (wink wink).

In order to free him from interpreting in times when no interpreter is expected, I thought that I would try to learn to lip read. Have you ever tried to learn to lipread? I’ve been told it can be done, but not likely for someone with absolutely no residual hearing and not a lot of practice.

Before I decided to sign up for the local community class that teaches lipreading mainly to the elderly, I decided to see if I could do it on my own. I’ve since found I can’t.

That doesn’t stop people from trying to talk to me though. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but if a person is Deaf and can’t lipread, screaming in their ear or showing us your cavities when you over-enunciate at us isn’t going to help much. Plus, it’s terribly, terribly annoying.

Now, if you’ve read my other blog posts, you might remember that I have very little capability to remember things. This can be a great thing and a not so great thing.

Standing in the hallway of a hospital, waiting to be told what to do, an elderly woman approaches me. “You deaf?????” She yelled loud enough that the veins in her face almost popped. I nodded yes and hoped she’d just go away. “I know how to do my abcs!” Oy vey, that’s the one sentence most deaf people do not want to work with. I mean, I appreciate people learning to fingerspell (or just recite the alphabet as in this case), but, God be with me, I can only have it happen so many times in a short duration before internal combustion blows me out of the way.

When this woman was done, she turned to go. I, stood silently, hoping she’d be gone soon. Oh, but that didn’t happen. No. No. I was never that lucky. So, the woman turns around and starts singing and grotesquely signing the song, “Jesus Loves Me,” Into the side of my face. Oh, gosh! Someone rescue me!!! It was over, but none too soon. Thankfully, a nurse came by and escorted this old woman away from me. And that’s all I wanted. Just for her to go away. Why can’t they all just go away??

So, lipreading is out for me. I’m OK with that. I’ve got many Deaf, HOH, and interpreter friends to chat with. I’ll keep that. That’ll satisfy me plenty.

How To Know If Your ASL Teacher Is Qualified

When a person decides that they want to learn a new skill or language, very often tutoring or a community class comes to mind—Classes of short duration where you can get a lot of information in a short amount of time. In general, people don’t want to take the time to enroll in a college program and very rarely does teaching yourself give you the skills that only another person can. Though it does happen.

In fact, finding someone willing to help you might actually seem easy. Craigslist, Facebook, Google, Twitter, and other social medias can put you in touch with people advertising their availability. And that might seem great. But how much do you know about them> you may even meet with then in person (be careful) and they may seem capable, but based on what? If you know nothing about the skill, wouldn’t most anyone seem knowledgeable? There are things you could look for and if the skill you’re wanting to learn is ASL, there are definitely things you’re going to want to ask and observe of this possible future teacher. Here’s a basic list to get you started.

BASIC THINGS YOU SHOULD ASK BEFORE DECIDING TO LEARN AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE FFROM SOMEONE:

1. Are you deaf/HOH or is anyone in your family deaf?  It’s not a requirement, but if the teacher/tutor is deaf or HOH or if they’re a CODA (Child of Deaf Parents) or grew up in the Deaf Community, chances are good that they have a good basic knowledge (at least) of ASL.

2. How did you learn ASL?  Again, ask them how they learned. Where and who taught them, etc. The longer they’ve known it, the more they’ve used it, the better experienced they will be.

3. Do you teach ASL, CSL, or SE?  All three of these are different. First off, SE (Signed English) is a definite NO. It’s not based on the Deaf Culture and it’s one you should avoid. CSL is Contact Sign Language, which used to be called PSE or Pidgin Sign English. Contact sign is good for a start. You can get the basic and even intermediate vocabulary learned and then start to slowly slide over into ASL.

4. Are you willing to teach straight ASL when we think I’m ready or do your skills not allow that?  If they’re going to use CSL, just make sure that, when the time hits to learn strong and serious ASL, the teacher has the ability to do that or refer you to someone who can.

5. How long have you been teaching ASL?  Again, the longer the teaching, the more experience (at least that’s how it should be).

6. Do you have references?  Get as many as possible and contact them all! Find out if this is the teacher for you!

7. Are you involved in the Deaf community?  You want to make sure that this person actually socializes with the deaf and HOH who use this language.

8. If you didn’t learn ASL before the age of 3 or earlier, where did you learn and for how long?  Pretty self-explanatory

9. Are you able to keep me informed about upcoming deaf community events so I can socialize with other deaf and HOH people?  As you start to learn, you’re going to want to start meeting and chatting with deaf and HOH people who sign. Make sure this teacher knows about such events.

10. Which curriculum do you use?   Find out and then research it. Even ask them to show it to you and let you flip around in the book. Curriculum is important. If they say they’ve self-designed one, make sure to see it!

These are just a few questions to get you started. I’m sure you can think of others. You should observe if they talk when they sign. Just to make sure they can sign, but also, sometimes talking relieves the need to worry about you not understanding. This isn’t necessary though as there’s always a pencil and paper.

So those questions should get you started. If you can think of more, please leave them as a comment. Always remember, any old goat can say they’re qualified, but don’t just jump on the bandwagon and start throwing money at them until you’re sure in your own mind that they truly are qualified.

Good luck with your search and be careful!

Learn American Sign Language Later This Summer in SW Grand Rapids

You know you want it! What can you do to learn the amazing language of ASL? Deaf Expressions is here to rectify the situation and answer that question!

Our Summer Conversational ASL Class:

Thursday nights, July 18 till September 5, 6:30 pm till 8:30 pm
$130/person and that INCLUDES the workbook

You MUST register. Contact us and we'll show you how!

DeafExpressions05@gmail.com (Michele's email) or text Michele at (616) 516-6314

If those days and times don't work with you, you can do private tutoring ($20/hour) or get four other people and start your own class (price would be the same as the Summer class).

Hope to "hear" from you soon!

VISIT www.DeafExpressions.net